More fun with the greatest NFL Quarterback of this generation...

I figured the pictures explained everything. Get it, its a picture book? What? Huh? What? FUCK YOU!!! Use your imagination.

Its time to cut the fat...

Its time to fire Andy Reid.

I hate to say that, but its true. The inability to call the right plays in crucial moments of several losses this year, poor clock management and just overall sub par output from a team that should be a contender to the NFC crown are all the reasons I need to end the ten year relationship between Reid and the Eagles. While Donovan McNabb is the public fall guy for all the Eagles problems, it would appear that it is time for a change in the regime altogether.

We lost a close one to the Giants, because of horrible clock management. Playing to a tie with the Bengals was even worse. How do you top that? Bench the franchise quarterback while down by three points at halftime. Kevin Kolb managed to turn that 3 point deficit into a 29 point deficit by the end of the game. Throwing on 2nd and Goal from the two yard line to get it returned 108 yards the other way for a TD? Unacceptable.

Are you happy, my fellow Philly fans? You are the ones who called for McNabbs head, and you got it. I dont see McNabb coming back next year, and the era of the heralded second round pick Kevin Kolb is about to begin. Fuck yes! I cant wait. Itll be just like the endless stream of less-than-mediocre quarterbacks that followed the bridged the gap between Cunningham and McNabb. Kolb is poised to join the likes of Eagle greats like Rodney Peete, Ty Detmer, Bobby Hoying, Koy Detmer and Doug Pederson. Sure, McNabb has played like shit lately, but he is our best option. I thought Kolb was a wasted pick. He went to Houston which is a pass happy, spread offense, the likes of which produced NFL legends Andre Ware and David Klingler (Im being sarcastic). Reid seems to like the idea of NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES RUNNING THE FOOTBALL. Apparently we would much rather win the Arena Bowl than the Superbowl. It is clear that our head coach has lost touch with reality. The Philadelphia media and fans are losing it too if they think that Kevin Kolb is the answer.

My Phillies World Fucking Champions buzz has worn off, and Im back to being amazed at how many different ways this football team I love manages to squander opportunity after opportunity. The writing is on the wall. McNabb is gone. He will end up in Minnesota next season with former offensive coordinator Brad Childress, and probably revive his career (eerily like Randall Cunningham did). Reid will be gone next year, and probably be mentioned as a possible replacement in Cleveland. But where do we go from here? Im dreading the thought of a drawn out 'rebuilding' process.

...and just because (one more update)

Might have solved my WR problems. Picked up Mewelde Moore, just so I could trade him and Peyton Manning for Brandon Marshall & Amani Toomer. That means SIX of my original 14 players have been cut or traded.

Because that left me with 1 QB, I ditched Justin Gage and picked up Jeff Garcia. Im glad I added the depth at WR. My RB Rotation got shored up last week when I traded for Brandon Jacobs, so if anyone is in position to turn it around, it would be the Cleveland Steamers.

Ill just post it here anyway....

Im sure you all want to read about my fantasy football team about as much as you would like me to recite my career flag football statistics and read the journal I kept when I was a kid keeping track of my stats on Tecmo Super Bowl. I feel it needs to be documented though.

My first round pick, 12th overall was Maurice Jones-Drew. Best RB available at the time. I followed it up with Peyton Manning, Dallas Clark, and Wes Welker. All poised to have good years, right? Cleveland Steamers goin all the way this year! Heres how my draft went round by round (and how it worked out):

1- Maurice Jones Drew RB-JAX (benched)
2- Peyton Manning QB-IND (benched)
3- Dallas Clark TE-IND (playing like shit)
4- Wes Welker WR-NE (nothing without Brady)
5- Kevin Curtis WR-PHI (injured-cut)
6- Minnesota Viking Defense (traded)
7- Dontae Stallworth WR-CLE (injured-cut)
8- Philip Rivers QB SD (Best player on my team)
9- LJ Smith TE-PHI (Nowhere to be found)
10- Jeff Reed K-PIT (cut during bye week)
11- Philadelphia Eagles Defense (made Viking D expendable)
12- DeSean Jackson WR PHI (steal of the draft)
13- Ricky Williams RB-MIA (cut)
14- Justin Fargas RB-OAK (cut)

Injuries and disappointment decimated my roster. Brady gets hurt, so Welker becomes worthless. Kevin Curtis gets a hernia the day after the draft. Donte Stallworth cant answer the phone without tearing something, PeyPey and Dallas shit the bed, Ricky Williams loses his starting job and MJD averages shit in what should be his breakout year. Six of my original picks got cut or traded. Thats how effective I was in drafting this team. I drafted my best player in the EIGHTH FREAKIN ROUND.

Other than that, my scab squad of Devrey Henderson, Justin Gage and Wes Welker have been awful. Even tried Hank Baskett, Lance Moore and Chansi Stuckey for a week. Dont ask me why. Tried to add spark to the running game by picking up Darren Sproles. Didnt work. My wide reciever corps is horrible. I benched Manning (trying to trade him) because I stole Philip Rivers in a late round, and he is my favorite player in the world. Ill probably stick with him.

Lucked out by picking up Chris Johnson in week 2 when I cut Ricky Williams. Picked up Michael Pittman and immediately traded him with the Viking Defense for Brandon Jacobs and Texans WR Kevin Walter a few weeks ago. Didnt really upgrade my WRs there, but I now have depth at the RB position. I picked up Mewelde Moore after his huge game against the Bengals. Still shopping Manning and either one of my TE's (LJ Smith & Dallas Clark) for a WR.

So heres what Im working with:
QB1-Philip Rivers- SD
RB1- Chris 'Wish Lendale Whites Fat Ass Would Stop Taking my TDs' Johnson- TEN
RB2- Brandon Jacobs- NYG
TE1- Dallas Clark- IND
WR1- DeSean Jackson- PHI
WR2- Wes Welker- NE
WR3- Kevin Walter- HOU
K- John Carney- NYG
DEF- Philadelphia Eagles
Bench
QB- Peyton Manning- IND
RB- Mewelde Moore- PIT
RB- Maurice Jones Drew- JAX
WR- Justin Gage- TEN
K- None
DEF- None

Ive won two straight against top five opponents in my 14 team league, so I climbed out of the basement to get to 3-4 (9th place). Hopefully I can find a WR who is consistent and not injury prone. I was tempted to bring back Stallworth or Curtis. Man Im desperate.

YES!!!

The Phillies finished off the Dodgers in game 5 of the NLCS, winning the series 4-1, marking their third National League pennant in my lifetime (1983, 1993). The last time we made the Series, we had a team full of mulleted misfits who had gone from worst to first. Then the Mitch Williams-Joe Carter incident happened and pretty much ruined my life that year. I was only eleven, so there wasnt all that much that could go wrong. Id like to see the Red Sox come back and win the ALCS because in my mind, a Phils victory in the World Series is vengeance for Super Bowl 39. However, it looks like those whiz kids in Tampa Bay will be our opponents. Anyway, last nights win brought back a feeling I hadnt had since I was eleven, and it was pretty fucking cool. It made me think about the 1993 team and how we realistically had no chance in hell of beating a Toronto Blue Jay squad that boasted six All Stars (Alomar, Molitor, Olerud, Carter, etc.) and a pitching staff that would be hard to keep up with. We had Lenny Dykstra, Curt Schilling and a bunch of guys who looked like your company softball team. In many ways, the team was the personafication of Rocky Balboa, our favorite cultural icon. The team wasnt supposed to even get that far, they played an opponent that was a proven winner and engineered from the ground up to win. We gave them all they could handle, but came up short.
It was bittersweet. I still hate Joe Carter with a passion...and that asshole manager of theirs, Cito Gaston. Im hopeful that the 2008 team will succeed where the 93 group failed, as this years team has All Stars, MVPs and a future Cy Young award winner all on the roster...we didnt have that in 1993...although we did have some interesting characters.

Lets go Phils!!!

TJ Simers is officially at the tippy top of a very long shitlist...

If you see this man, punch him in the cock.


So the Los Angeles Times sports writer TJ Simers decided to write a few articles blasting Philly and its fans. He also insinuated that the Rays and Phils should job out so that everyone can see the Dodgers vs. Red Sox, a matchup that has the sports media collecitively erect. Here are just a few quotes from his recent shitrag:

"You spend any time in this dingy city and around these folks, and pit bulls running wild come to mind. Fine when leashed, but set them free, put a beer in their grubby paws and it's only a matter of time before they're going to go on the attack -- both the home team and its opponent feeling the bite."


"Philly has always been more bark than championship bite, so why should the Dodgers give a hoot about folks who paint their faces and then have to drive home looking like sad clowns? The Dodgers have the better team, a destiny date in Boston, and while that might make the folks in Philly miserable, they don't know how to act any differently here."


"Three playoff wins in L.A. might be asking for too much, though, from a Dodgers team that doesn't figure to be as good as the Phillies in close games down the stretch. But leaving L.A. up 3-2 makes everyone at Fox hoping for an L.A.-Boston matchup feeling pretty good.That would take the series back to the city, though, that just isn't quite up to the standards of New York or Boston, the Dodgers needing one more win in this angry place."


"It's asking for a lot, of course, the two teams who don't have the home-field advantage having to win, but then it's kind of the responsibility of the Phillies and Rays to step aside in the best interests of entertaining baseball...Don't know about the Dodgers, but just imagine the panic that might set in if the Phillies win again and no one no longer cares who wins the World Series? Next thing you know, Tampa beats Boston."



Then the jackass wonders why he got hate mail.



The first notion that I dont like is that its some sort of destiny for the LA Dodgers to make the World Series. Why? Because the LA Angels, who finished with the best record in the American League, got bounced by Boston in the divisionals? Or is it because you want to see Red Sox rejects Manny, Nomar and Derek Lowe play against their former team because you need a storyline to entertain "sports fans" in Hollywood? Hows this, maybe you like watching LA Teams getting their asses handed to them on the big stage by Boston teams (see: Celtics vs. Lakers), is that it?


The guy goes and bashes fans and people he is completely unfamiliar with. We are diehards who wear face paint and go apeshit. We arent at the stadium wearing our oversized sunglasses to get our pictures taken with celebs, like you fairweather fucks in LA. When the Dodgers were shitty, how many people could you find in the stands? Not too many. Our fans showed up and we sold out when the Eagles were 2-14, the Phils lost 85 games, the Flyers were dead last, and when the Sixers had Shawn Fucking Bradley. I could insult your fanbase and your fanhood by calling into question your inability to host an NFL franchise (awwww) and even the ones in your state play like shit (with the exception of San Diego). How about I spare the trash talk and get straight to the facts...

The Dodgers are destined to play in the World Series, right? Wrong. They finished 84-78 and won their weaksauce division. The Marlins (3rd in OUR division) finished 84-77, the Mets finished second at 89-73, the Astros (86-75) and the Cardinals 86-76 ALL with better records than the Dodgers, but didnt make the playoffs, because they arent geographically located in shitty divisions. Thats FOUR teams that are better than you but not in the playoffs, but yours is a team of destiny...my ass. You want to say its in the "best interests of entertaining baseball" for the Rays and Phils to step aside. Why? So LA can get swept in a World Series and you can listen to Joe Buck ramble on and on about the Manny Ramirez vs. the Red Sox storyline. News flash, sunshine, there will not be a Hollywood ending to this series. Our number two pitcher drove in more runs the other night than your best hitters. We are going to win this series in 4 or 5 games. Manny is going to sign a huge contract with the Mets or Yankees, Derek Lowe will end up with the Cubs or maybe even us in Philly, and your precious Dodgers will be a .500 team at best. We, on the other hand, will continue to be a National League powerhouse.

In conclusion, suck it.

Off Topic: Kimbo Slice vs. Ken Shamrock

Occasionally I will drift off the topic of football and write about something else in the world of sports that catches my eye. I follow MMA, but am not what you would call a hardcore MMA fan. I watch the Ultimate Fighter on occasion. I have seen at least one UFC event a year since the mid 90's. I remember Pancrase, and no weight classes, no gloves, and in many cases--no skills. I remember the poor lighting and the half empty crowds on pay per view. Way before the big buy rates, the reality shows and the little pussies could run around wearing TapouT t-shirts.

Now MMA has definition. Its not 'shooting' or 'catch wrestling' or 'no holds barred fighting'. It is a mainstream sport that garners national coverage. Buyrates on Pay Per View are constantly growing (and killing the sweet science of boxing), the sport is creating celebrities that are right on par with other major sports. I would go as far as to say that MMA has passed NASCAR and the NHL as the 'fourth major sport' in America. Hell, theres even independent MMA organizations popping up in regions all over the country.

None of it would have been possible without Ken Shamrock.

Thats right, Ken Shamrock is the man who legitimized MMA in the US and put the UFC on the map when the franchise needed a face. The Shamrock-Royce Gracie rivalry practically saved the UFC from being a fly by night operation in the mid 1990's. Ken Shamrock was the first true draw in MMA history. When he left to sign with the WWF in 1997, UFC would again nosedive in terms of money, credibility and mainstream acceptance. Granted, when he returned in 2002 he was old. Between his age, the lack of true fight preparation, and the toll the WWF schedule had taken on him, he was clearly not the same fighter. Also, the sport of MMA had changed, and gone through a period where there were more skilled wrestlers and martial artists in the ring than untrained bar fighters. I saw Ken Shamrocks return to UFC, to fight Tito Ortiz. He got his ass handed to him, but the rivalry did more than TRIPLE the average PPV buyrate around that time. Hell, I wouldnt have watched it otherwise.

Still dont believe me? In 2005, when UFC needed someone to headline its first ever cable television event, what was the main event? Ken Shamrock vs. Rich Franklin. Granted Shamrock got beaten again, but it drew huge ratings and mainstream intrest. Ever since then the company has been a staple in the programming on Spike TV.

In 2006, the Shamrock-Ortiz rivalry drew huge on television, when they were the coaches on the Ultimate Fighter. Shamrock lost two fights to Ortiz that year, but that rivalry cemented UFC as a staple in sports and mainstream entertainment.

Now EliteXC is banking its network television hopes on the draw of Shamrock vs. overhyped street fighter Kimbo Slice. Slice has victories against over-the-hill fighters, notably Tank Abbott. And is the face of EliteXC, a company that is losing money badly, especially since their first TV bout got poor reviews. The emergence of Affliction as the primary competitor to UFC has left EliteXC as the number three MMA promotion (Similar to WWF, WCW and ECW during the late 90's golden age of pro wrestling), scrounging to pull together a decent card with the leftovers of the sport. Shamrock hasnt won a fight in ages, Elite is fine with that, because they want a fight that their franchise player Kimbo Slice can win. Kimbo is the main draw thanks to the youtube ghetto fights and hype as a legit badass. Its to the advantage of the company to pad Kimbo's stats with meaningless wins over has-beens.

Dont get me wrong, his is a good story. Guy is broke and homeless so he fights people for money. Now hes a celebrity, and a pop culture phenomenon. However, he is nowhere skilled enough to hang in Affliction or UFC. Put it this way: Fedor, Chuck Lidell, Rampage Jackson, Frank Mir, Brock Lesnar, Randy Coture and Matt Hughes could all go to any ghetto and beat the shit out of the biggest guy there. It proves nothing because they have the skillset. Thats why I dont see anything special in Kimbo other than his charisma, his interesting background and marketability. In Vince McMahonland he could sustain that magic and not be exposed as a guy who cant fight in MMA. A part of me hopes that Shamrock taps him out, and gets to retire with some dignity.

I just hope when the two touch gloves before the fight on Saturday, that Kimbo thanks Ken Shamrock--for drawing viewers, and being the reason Kimbo is making so much money to do this.

APS Editorial: Defending Donovan

Am I a Philly homer? Yes.

Does that cloud my ability to call it straight down the middle? No.

The other night, my buddy Brandon 'Big D' Dietz sent me a message on myspace following the Eagles-Cowboys game that was your typical Cowboy bullshit....think Emmitt Smith's commentary, only in English. It was 'TO all day...blah blah blah...Donovan McNabb is the most overhyped QB since Kyle Boller."

What?

You're shitting me, right? Kyle Boller? Are you smoking crack? Someone call the rehab facility, Dietzy is messing with that freebase shit again!!!

Ive been brooding over it for a day or two now, and Ive about got the shits of hearing it. SO Im going to set the record straight once and for all. McNabb is EASILY one of the top 25 quarterbacks to EVER play the game, and as far as the modern era goes, hes one of the 15 best- and easily top five for this decade. Anyone who thinks differently is either a complete idiot or doesn't have a firm grasp on what football is really about.

Lets take a look at the facts, shall we...

1. McNabb was not only the best QB, but the best player in his draft class...

The 1999 NFL Draft was supposed to be so deep at QB that it would rival the 1983 draft as the best of all time. I remember actually thinking (at age 17 mind you) that Akili Smith was the best QB, and like other Philly fans, I wanted Ricky Williams too. I was aggravated when we drafted McNabb out of Syracuse. Look at the other QBs taken in that draft: Tim Couch (Bust-Retired), Daunte Culpepper (retired), Akili Smith (Bust-played in CFL), Cade McNown (Bust-Retired), Shaun King (ESPN analyst), Joe Germaine (Arena Football), Aaron Brooks (unemployed), Kevin Daft (retired), Michael Bishop (AFL & CFL), Chris Greisen (Arena League) and Scott Covington (retired). Only Culpepper made enough impact not to be labeled a flop, as he ended up being a flash-in-the-pan, putting up some solid seasons before injuries and being mysteriously blackballed.

2. McNabb is still an elite QB in the NFL...

Five Pro Bowl appearances. 6-4 in playoff appearances. Thats ten playoff games hes led the team into, which is only behind Favre, Brady and Peyton Manning out of all active QBs. He has the lowest TD/INT ratio of any QB in NFL history. Four consecutive NFC Championship appearances, even in three losing efforts, is in all likelihood (with the exception of Brady, Favre, Manning) better than whoever is under center for your team. Also, as far as the NFC is concerned, he is statistically better than any NFC QB that played in the Super Bowl during his career (Chris Chandler, Kurt Warner, Kerry Collins, Brad Johnson, Jake Delhomme, Matt Hasselbeck, Rex Grossman and Eli Manning). I know McNabb hasnt won the big one, but are you going to tell me that Trent Dilfer or Mark Rypien belong in the Hall of Fame more than Dan Marino and Jim Kelly? McNabb's career is far from over at this point, you should keep in mind that John Elway was on the losing end of THREE SUPER BOWLS (XXI, XXII, XXIV) and the 1991 AFC Championship Game before rattling off two Super Bowl wins to end his 16 year career. Its funny, but most of you probably forgot about those losses.

3. He's injury prone...



Okay, Ill give you that. In '02 he missed 6 games with a broken ankle. In 2005, after the Owens fallout, he missed 7 games due to the sports hernia. Not having fully recovered from that, in 2006 he tore his ACL and missed the final 6 games. Any expert will tell you that an ACL takes a full year to two years to completely recover from. Ask Carson Palmer. He was 8-6 as the starter last season and finished the season with some strong outings. Im sure you all will give Tom Brady a free pass next season when he comes back significantly weaker than what you're used to.

4. He's done it without a major weapon at wide reciever....

Aside from Terrell Owens (04-05), name the leading reciever for the Philadelphia Eagles at any given point throughout his career? Torrance Small (1999), Chad Lewis (2000), James Thrash (2001), Todd Pinkston (2002-03), Reggie Brown (2006), Kevin Curtis (2007). Not exactly a whos who of fantasy football, huh? Four NFC title games, five Pro Bowls, and one of the best records in the NFL over the last decade with that supporting cast. It reminds me of when I was a kid and saw that they never tried to put a decent offense around Randall Cunningham. Hmmm, geriatric Herschel Walker? Keith Byars? Mid Level recievers Calvin Williams and Fred Barnett. Yeah, sure they set him up to win big time. Only difference is that this team has usually had a damn good O-Line to protect 5, unlike the the swiss cheese line they used to protect QB Eagles. Hopefully the emergence of Brian Westbrook and the development of Desean Jackson will make the puzzle complete soon.

5. In an era of overhyped crybabies who cant handle the pressure, Donovan has endured PHILLY for 10 seasons...
Vince Young, you think your situation is bad. Sunshine, you would have offed yourself on draft day if you played for us. Im serious, this is the toughest city to play for. Our fans are bitter, spiteful, brutish hooligans. Our media does its damndest to put superstars under a microscope until we run them out of town (see: Barkley, Charles; Iverson, Allen; Cunningham, Randall). Ive said it a thousand times, we dont DESERVE to have McNabb, who has endured WAY more bullshit than the average NFL quarterback should. He survived the boos on draft day, Rush Limbaugh, the TO fiasco, the Super Bowl, the Madden Curse, the fans pulling for Jeff Garcia to take over, drafting Kevin Kolb and the omnipresent trade rumors every damn season that are ALMOST ALWAYS started by the Philly Inquirer OR Sal Paolantonio-and he's done it with a smile on his face. Do you know how much easier it would be for him to play in Miami, Kansas City, Baltimore, Chicago or any other place that is a QB wasteland. He would be elected mayor the first freakin' day--but not here, not Philly. Our collective fanbase is too stupid to admit that McNabb is the greatest QB this team has ever had, and we are in for a rude awakening once he is gone. Remember life before McNabb? Rodney Peete, Bobby Hoying, The Detmer Brothers, Doug Pederson?? Yeah, brace yourselves for a reality like that once number 5 is gone. There we will be, all with bags on our heads again, watching our team go 4-12 year in and year out, then what?

We will retire his number, talk about the good old days when we were contenders, and wish we didnt treat the poor guy like shit when all he ever did was win.

Thats all.

Uh...yeah...

Desean Jackson: I need an adult!!! I need an adult!!!

Thanks to Deadspin.com for the incriminating pic of our Coach Reid going all Canteen Boy on our new star wideout.

Patriot Blues Part 1....

See folks, real life is alot like the movies. Remember Varsity Blues? That movie about the West Texas football team that was led by a vindictive evil coach, also had the superstar quarterback with the hot girlfirend who just happened to get hurt. Yeah, and then the backup comes out of nowhere to become the star of the team. Turns out, thats how its working in New England these days....

In America we have laws.
Laws against killing. Laws against stealing.
It's accepted that, as a member of society, you will live by these laws.
In Foxborough, Massachusetts, there's another society that has its own laws.
Football is a way of life.

Coach Belichick: (at Pep Rally) Tonight we play Kansas City. Tonight, we beat Kansas City. In my years of coaching in New England, I have brought three Super Bowls and four AFC Titles. Count them! And this year, with your support for this great team, I will bring number four. Go, Pats ! Go, Pats! Now I present to you our captain, Tom Brady. Let's hear it !


Tom Brady: (thunderous applause). Last night I was lying in bed, and I had a dream we were beating Kansas City by ten...but I woke up kinda sad (girls go awwww), cause I know we can beat Kansas City by way more than that.

Chiefs vs. Patriots

Commentators: Now you have Matt Cassell coming in, who hasnt started a game since high school. He was a backup to both Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart at USC. You have to wonder if this guy is even worth the charmin he wipes with....

(Cassell throws a touchdown to Moss)

Good Lord, Belichick pulls out another one. Where did this kid come from?

Matt Cassell: Holy shit!







Doctors: Looks like Brady is out for a year to year and a half. We removed a significant ammount of scar tissue.

Belichick: He never told me anything.

Cassell gives Giselle a ride to Wes Welkers party...

Giselle: So hows things with you and Lauren. Is there a future?? (changing clothes in car)

Matt: (trying not to look) Uh, yeah. I mean we are married. We've been together since college. How about you and Tom, you love eachother, right?

Giselle: Things change, Matt. Youre the starting quarterback now. I dont really want to think about it. Are you coming in?

Matt: No. I just need to clear my head, with Tom being all fucked up and all.

Giselle: You know, Matt, you dont always have to do the right thing.

Matt goes to see his wife, Lauren...

Lauren: Heard you played a great game tonight.

Matt: Yeah, it was strange.

Lauren: Strange being a god?

Matt: I dont know, I mean, we did win, you know?

Lauren: You want me to come out?

Matt: No, I think Im just going to walk around.


The following week, struggling with stardom, Matt visits Giselle...

Matt: Am I too late?

Giselle: No come on in!

Matt: Uh, nice house.

Giselle: Thanks, Its weird having you here.

Matt: Yeah I feel like Im doing something illegal.

Giselle: Not yet...Look at me Im a mess. Nobody ever sees me like this.

Matt: I think its the best Ive seen you look.

Giselle: Aww, youre so sweet, Matt. Im gonna go make us some ice cream sundaes. You want one?

Matt: Yeah sure.

Okay, I couldnt find a picture of Giselle in a whipped cream bikini, if I did Id have more readers...

Matt: I, uh I cant. Its just its you and theres Tom. I dont know if I love Lauren but I know I dont love you. What if Tom loves you?

Giselle: It was never about love, Matt. It was about getting out of New England. Now hes gonna have to stay here and coach JV football and manage Wal Mart. I just wanted to go with you.

Matt: Youll get out of New England. Youre smart enough to do that on your own.

Giselle: (sobs) Thanks.

The next day at Practice...

Wes Welker: Bitches are all just panty droppers. You give them percocet, two vicodins and a couple of beers and the panties just drop. Its very nice.

Matt Light: You think youll enjoy prison?

Wes Welker: I dont know.

Part 2 later this season.....

I like you, DeSean Jackson, but Im not sure I can commit...

Sure, you were a great reciever/returner in college, worthy of a high second round pick--but its not you.

Its me.

You see, DeSean, as an Eagles fan after all Ive been through its really hard for me to just open up and pin all my hopes on you. I know your type...and I just dont want to get stuck in another fan-to-man relationship just to be let down. Here in Philly, we have a bad track record. Ive been burned before in situations like this.

In 2000 we drafted Todd Pinkston 36th overall, and that didnt work out because he was a pussy. When he wasnt dropping passes, he was injured.

Then there was that whole thing where we fell hard for Freddie Mitchell (1st round, 25th overall), who had the size, the speed and all the shit talking ability you would expect from an elite reciever...except he wasnt very good. Sure, we had 4th-and-26, and he caught 2 TDs in a divisional playoff game, but wasnt ever truly consistent....actually, aside from those two highlights he was just dogshit awful. The worst part is that we passed over Reggie Wayne, Chad Johnson Ocho Psycho, Chris Chambers and Steve Smith for this shithead. That hurts the heart man. Hurts. The. Heart. Those four recievers are all Pro Bowlers...Freddie disappeared and is now a substitute teacher at Mishawaka High School in Indiana. I can only assume he tries to pick up underage girls with his NFC Championship ring.

Look, I know youre not like those other guys. Youre tougher than Pinky. Youre smarter than FredEx. We need a big play guy though, and youre only 5'9" 175. Dont get me wrong, youre one of the fastest players in the game and will totally fuck shit up in the open field, but youre smaller than our kicker. Coach Reid doesnt start rookies, though...youll probably not play unless something catostrophic happens like, Reggie Brown and Kevin Curtis both get hurt at the same time.....

Kevin Curtis (sports hernia)
Reggie Brown (pulled hamstring)

Shit.

Looks like you might get some playing time. Remember, nobody expects too much from you. Just go out there and play a good game, dont get carried away and try to make the highlights. It takes a reciever at least 3 seasons to master this offenisve system....

6 catches - 106 yards. 47 yard reception on his first career catch.
8 returns - 97 yards 203 total yards.


Dont let this be a fluke DeSean. Dont you toy with my emotions...

I dont care what the rest of the sports blogging community thinks...

I like Philip Rivers. I like that picture even better.

Someday, you will too. Give it time.

Its not an unhealthy thing like Madden-Favre, or Joe Buck-Troy Aikman. No, I feel compelled to stand up for The Laserface. I know the Class of '04 features two Super Bowl winners (Eli & Big Ben), but shit people, he's a damn good quarterback.

He is 25-7 as a starter. Thats a better winning percentage than Elisha (30-25) and Benjamin (39-16). He also has a higher TD-INT ratio than the other two, so spare me the classic "Hurturdurr he sucks!" argument. He wasnt a favorite in San Diego, largely in part to Drew Brees having career seasons after they drafted him. It wasnt exactly a popular decision when Brees was let go either. LaDanian Tomlinson even whined that it could have messed up their chance to be contenders. Come to think of it, LT's a bit of a bitch sometimes, huh?

Still, many of my colleagues have referred to Rivers as a "douchenozzle". Can you believe that? I know Rivers cant.

Why? It all started Rivers mocked and made fun of emo-pussy Denver QB Jay Cutler. He also mocked Colts fans when the Chargers upset them at home in the AFC Divisionals. So is there some unspoken rule that Quarterbacks arent allowed to talk shit? I suppose we are trained to believed that by now that our NFL QBs need to be either robots (Brady), eggheads (Peyton), ineffective-yet-solid-running backs (Vince Young), or pass happy rednecks pilled up on Vicodin (yeah, you know). We leave the trash talk to linebackers, wide recievers and defensive backs. You cant fault Rivers for talking shit. I know he didnt win that game against Indy. He tore his ACL and they put in Billy Volek, who capped the comeback. Rivers talked smack because he threw three TDs in the RCA Dome like he owned the place. He also did it without LT and Antonio Gates, who also got hurt. Did I mention that his laser like stare and superhuman focus totally fucked the Colts' shit all up. Dont believe me?

As far as him making fun of Jay Cutler. Well, look at him. You would too. Tell me you wouldnt want to see Rivers give him a wedgie just to watch him cry.

By the way, he played in that AFC Championship Game--On a torn ACL, while Powder Blue Jesus himself, LT, spent the game on an exercise bike. Brady, Montana, Bradshaw, Marino, Elway and Favre cant say they ever did that. That took balls. It was much more entertaining than Roethllisbergers 9/21 performance in SuperBowl XL (by far the worst SB I've ever seen). He also played with a great deal of composure and guts, you know without looking like he wanted to cry (like Eli). So regardless what the media and blogosphere think of Rivers, I maintain that he is the best quarterback in that class, and he will one day be remembered as an all time great....

The All Pro Scab

Im trying to take my blog to a bigger platform, mostly because I like to write about sports. I started blogging in 2003 on livejournal. Then I opened up a myspace account and have blogged there until now, mostly random hodgepodge about my misadventures in fatherhood and career as I moonlight as a professional wrestler (no joke). I also write blogs about sports, and the occasional random commentary. Those posts will be put here, on The All Pro Scab.

Links to previous posts on myspace, because Im too lazy to copy and paste everything...

Why so queerious????
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=16474546&blogID=424255987

Brady Quinn
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=16474546&blogID=417083869&Mytoken=D316301B-0D12-49B6-9A4F6CA3286A703671804476

Fun With Pictures, The NFL Offseason
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=16474546&blogID=391457538&Mytoken=D316301B-0D12-49B6-9A4F6CA3286A703671804476

The NFL Draft, Where Good QBs Get Ruined: A Hypothetical Study
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=16474546&blogID=385043936&Mytoken=D316301B-0D12-49B6-9A4F6CA3286A703671804476

The 10 Manliest Men of All Time (10-2)
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=16474546&blogID=346191027&Mytoken=D316301B-0D12-49B6-9A4F6CA3286A703671804476

The Manliest Man of All Time
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=16474546&blogID=346950425&Mytoken=D316301B-0D12-49B6-9A4F6CA3286A703671804476

New material on the way...
-JTR