More fun with the greatest NFL Quarterback of this generation...

I figured the pictures explained everything. Get it, its a picture book? What? Huh? What? FUCK YOU!!! Use your imagination.

Its time to cut the fat...

Its time to fire Andy Reid.

I hate to say that, but its true. The inability to call the right plays in crucial moments of several losses this year, poor clock management and just overall sub par output from a team that should be a contender to the NFC crown are all the reasons I need to end the ten year relationship between Reid and the Eagles. While Donovan McNabb is the public fall guy for all the Eagles problems, it would appear that it is time for a change in the regime altogether.

We lost a close one to the Giants, because of horrible clock management. Playing to a tie with the Bengals was even worse. How do you top that? Bench the franchise quarterback while down by three points at halftime. Kevin Kolb managed to turn that 3 point deficit into a 29 point deficit by the end of the game. Throwing on 2nd and Goal from the two yard line to get it returned 108 yards the other way for a TD? Unacceptable.

Are you happy, my fellow Philly fans? You are the ones who called for McNabbs head, and you got it. I dont see McNabb coming back next year, and the era of the heralded second round pick Kevin Kolb is about to begin. Fuck yes! I cant wait. Itll be just like the endless stream of less-than-mediocre quarterbacks that followed the bridged the gap between Cunningham and McNabb. Kolb is poised to join the likes of Eagle greats like Rodney Peete, Ty Detmer, Bobby Hoying, Koy Detmer and Doug Pederson. Sure, McNabb has played like shit lately, but he is our best option. I thought Kolb was a wasted pick. He went to Houston which is a pass happy, spread offense, the likes of which produced NFL legends Andre Ware and David Klingler (Im being sarcastic). Reid seems to like the idea of NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES RUNNING THE FOOTBALL. Apparently we would much rather win the Arena Bowl than the Superbowl. It is clear that our head coach has lost touch with reality. The Philadelphia media and fans are losing it too if they think that Kevin Kolb is the answer.

My Phillies World Fucking Champions buzz has worn off, and Im back to being amazed at how many different ways this football team I love manages to squander opportunity after opportunity. The writing is on the wall. McNabb is gone. He will end up in Minnesota next season with former offensive coordinator Brad Childress, and probably revive his career (eerily like Randall Cunningham did). Reid will be gone next year, and probably be mentioned as a possible replacement in Cleveland. But where do we go from here? Im dreading the thought of a drawn out 'rebuilding' process.

...and just because (one more update)

Might have solved my WR problems. Picked up Mewelde Moore, just so I could trade him and Peyton Manning for Brandon Marshall & Amani Toomer. That means SIX of my original 14 players have been cut or traded.

Because that left me with 1 QB, I ditched Justin Gage and picked up Jeff Garcia. Im glad I added the depth at WR. My RB Rotation got shored up last week when I traded for Brandon Jacobs, so if anyone is in position to turn it around, it would be the Cleveland Steamers.

Ill just post it here anyway....

Im sure you all want to read about my fantasy football team about as much as you would like me to recite my career flag football statistics and read the journal I kept when I was a kid keeping track of my stats on Tecmo Super Bowl. I feel it needs to be documented though.

My first round pick, 12th overall was Maurice Jones-Drew. Best RB available at the time. I followed it up with Peyton Manning, Dallas Clark, and Wes Welker. All poised to have good years, right? Cleveland Steamers goin all the way this year! Heres how my draft went round by round (and how it worked out):

1- Maurice Jones Drew RB-JAX (benched)
2- Peyton Manning QB-IND (benched)
3- Dallas Clark TE-IND (playing like shit)
4- Wes Welker WR-NE (nothing without Brady)
5- Kevin Curtis WR-PHI (injured-cut)
6- Minnesota Viking Defense (traded)
7- Dontae Stallworth WR-CLE (injured-cut)
8- Philip Rivers QB SD (Best player on my team)
9- LJ Smith TE-PHI (Nowhere to be found)
10- Jeff Reed K-PIT (cut during bye week)
11- Philadelphia Eagles Defense (made Viking D expendable)
12- DeSean Jackson WR PHI (steal of the draft)
13- Ricky Williams RB-MIA (cut)
14- Justin Fargas RB-OAK (cut)

Injuries and disappointment decimated my roster. Brady gets hurt, so Welker becomes worthless. Kevin Curtis gets a hernia the day after the draft. Donte Stallworth cant answer the phone without tearing something, PeyPey and Dallas shit the bed, Ricky Williams loses his starting job and MJD averages shit in what should be his breakout year. Six of my original picks got cut or traded. Thats how effective I was in drafting this team. I drafted my best player in the EIGHTH FREAKIN ROUND.

Other than that, my scab squad of Devrey Henderson, Justin Gage and Wes Welker have been awful. Even tried Hank Baskett, Lance Moore and Chansi Stuckey for a week. Dont ask me why. Tried to add spark to the running game by picking up Darren Sproles. Didnt work. My wide reciever corps is horrible. I benched Manning (trying to trade him) because I stole Philip Rivers in a late round, and he is my favorite player in the world. Ill probably stick with him.

Lucked out by picking up Chris Johnson in week 2 when I cut Ricky Williams. Picked up Michael Pittman and immediately traded him with the Viking Defense for Brandon Jacobs and Texans WR Kevin Walter a few weeks ago. Didnt really upgrade my WRs there, but I now have depth at the RB position. I picked up Mewelde Moore after his huge game against the Bengals. Still shopping Manning and either one of my TE's (LJ Smith & Dallas Clark) for a WR.

So heres what Im working with:
QB1-Philip Rivers- SD
RB1- Chris 'Wish Lendale Whites Fat Ass Would Stop Taking my TDs' Johnson- TEN
RB2- Brandon Jacobs- NYG
TE1- Dallas Clark- IND
WR1- DeSean Jackson- PHI
WR2- Wes Welker- NE
WR3- Kevin Walter- HOU
K- John Carney- NYG
DEF- Philadelphia Eagles
Bench
QB- Peyton Manning- IND
RB- Mewelde Moore- PIT
RB- Maurice Jones Drew- JAX
WR- Justin Gage- TEN
K- None
DEF- None

Ive won two straight against top five opponents in my 14 team league, so I climbed out of the basement to get to 3-4 (9th place). Hopefully I can find a WR who is consistent and not injury prone. I was tempted to bring back Stallworth or Curtis. Man Im desperate.

YES!!!

The Phillies finished off the Dodgers in game 5 of the NLCS, winning the series 4-1, marking their third National League pennant in my lifetime (1983, 1993). The last time we made the Series, we had a team full of mulleted misfits who had gone from worst to first. Then the Mitch Williams-Joe Carter incident happened and pretty much ruined my life that year. I was only eleven, so there wasnt all that much that could go wrong. Id like to see the Red Sox come back and win the ALCS because in my mind, a Phils victory in the World Series is vengeance for Super Bowl 39. However, it looks like those whiz kids in Tampa Bay will be our opponents. Anyway, last nights win brought back a feeling I hadnt had since I was eleven, and it was pretty fucking cool. It made me think about the 1993 team and how we realistically had no chance in hell of beating a Toronto Blue Jay squad that boasted six All Stars (Alomar, Molitor, Olerud, Carter, etc.) and a pitching staff that would be hard to keep up with. We had Lenny Dykstra, Curt Schilling and a bunch of guys who looked like your company softball team. In many ways, the team was the personafication of Rocky Balboa, our favorite cultural icon. The team wasnt supposed to even get that far, they played an opponent that was a proven winner and engineered from the ground up to win. We gave them all they could handle, but came up short.
It was bittersweet. I still hate Joe Carter with a passion...and that asshole manager of theirs, Cito Gaston. Im hopeful that the 2008 team will succeed where the 93 group failed, as this years team has All Stars, MVPs and a future Cy Young award winner all on the roster...we didnt have that in 1993...although we did have some interesting characters.

Lets go Phils!!!

TJ Simers is officially at the tippy top of a very long shitlist...

If you see this man, punch him in the cock.


So the Los Angeles Times sports writer TJ Simers decided to write a few articles blasting Philly and its fans. He also insinuated that the Rays and Phils should job out so that everyone can see the Dodgers vs. Red Sox, a matchup that has the sports media collecitively erect. Here are just a few quotes from his recent shitrag:

"You spend any time in this dingy city and around these folks, and pit bulls running wild come to mind. Fine when leashed, but set them free, put a beer in their grubby paws and it's only a matter of time before they're going to go on the attack -- both the home team and its opponent feeling the bite."


"Philly has always been more bark than championship bite, so why should the Dodgers give a hoot about folks who paint their faces and then have to drive home looking like sad clowns? The Dodgers have the better team, a destiny date in Boston, and while that might make the folks in Philly miserable, they don't know how to act any differently here."


"Three playoff wins in L.A. might be asking for too much, though, from a Dodgers team that doesn't figure to be as good as the Phillies in close games down the stretch. But leaving L.A. up 3-2 makes everyone at Fox hoping for an L.A.-Boston matchup feeling pretty good.That would take the series back to the city, though, that just isn't quite up to the standards of New York or Boston, the Dodgers needing one more win in this angry place."


"It's asking for a lot, of course, the two teams who don't have the home-field advantage having to win, but then it's kind of the responsibility of the Phillies and Rays to step aside in the best interests of entertaining baseball...Don't know about the Dodgers, but just imagine the panic that might set in if the Phillies win again and no one no longer cares who wins the World Series? Next thing you know, Tampa beats Boston."



Then the jackass wonders why he got hate mail.



The first notion that I dont like is that its some sort of destiny for the LA Dodgers to make the World Series. Why? Because the LA Angels, who finished with the best record in the American League, got bounced by Boston in the divisionals? Or is it because you want to see Red Sox rejects Manny, Nomar and Derek Lowe play against their former team because you need a storyline to entertain "sports fans" in Hollywood? Hows this, maybe you like watching LA Teams getting their asses handed to them on the big stage by Boston teams (see: Celtics vs. Lakers), is that it?


The guy goes and bashes fans and people he is completely unfamiliar with. We are diehards who wear face paint and go apeshit. We arent at the stadium wearing our oversized sunglasses to get our pictures taken with celebs, like you fairweather fucks in LA. When the Dodgers were shitty, how many people could you find in the stands? Not too many. Our fans showed up and we sold out when the Eagles were 2-14, the Phils lost 85 games, the Flyers were dead last, and when the Sixers had Shawn Fucking Bradley. I could insult your fanbase and your fanhood by calling into question your inability to host an NFL franchise (awwww) and even the ones in your state play like shit (with the exception of San Diego). How about I spare the trash talk and get straight to the facts...

The Dodgers are destined to play in the World Series, right? Wrong. They finished 84-78 and won their weaksauce division. The Marlins (3rd in OUR division) finished 84-77, the Mets finished second at 89-73, the Astros (86-75) and the Cardinals 86-76 ALL with better records than the Dodgers, but didnt make the playoffs, because they arent geographically located in shitty divisions. Thats FOUR teams that are better than you but not in the playoffs, but yours is a team of destiny...my ass. You want to say its in the "best interests of entertaining baseball" for the Rays and Phils to step aside. Why? So LA can get swept in a World Series and you can listen to Joe Buck ramble on and on about the Manny Ramirez vs. the Red Sox storyline. News flash, sunshine, there will not be a Hollywood ending to this series. Our number two pitcher drove in more runs the other night than your best hitters. We are going to win this series in 4 or 5 games. Manny is going to sign a huge contract with the Mets or Yankees, Derek Lowe will end up with the Cubs or maybe even us in Philly, and your precious Dodgers will be a .500 team at best. We, on the other hand, will continue to be a National League powerhouse.

In conclusion, suck it.

Off Topic: Kimbo Slice vs. Ken Shamrock

Occasionally I will drift off the topic of football and write about something else in the world of sports that catches my eye. I follow MMA, but am not what you would call a hardcore MMA fan. I watch the Ultimate Fighter on occasion. I have seen at least one UFC event a year since the mid 90's. I remember Pancrase, and no weight classes, no gloves, and in many cases--no skills. I remember the poor lighting and the half empty crowds on pay per view. Way before the big buy rates, the reality shows and the little pussies could run around wearing TapouT t-shirts.

Now MMA has definition. Its not 'shooting' or 'catch wrestling' or 'no holds barred fighting'. It is a mainstream sport that garners national coverage. Buyrates on Pay Per View are constantly growing (and killing the sweet science of boxing), the sport is creating celebrities that are right on par with other major sports. I would go as far as to say that MMA has passed NASCAR and the NHL as the 'fourth major sport' in America. Hell, theres even independent MMA organizations popping up in regions all over the country.

None of it would have been possible without Ken Shamrock.

Thats right, Ken Shamrock is the man who legitimized MMA in the US and put the UFC on the map when the franchise needed a face. The Shamrock-Royce Gracie rivalry practically saved the UFC from being a fly by night operation in the mid 1990's. Ken Shamrock was the first true draw in MMA history. When he left to sign with the WWF in 1997, UFC would again nosedive in terms of money, credibility and mainstream acceptance. Granted, when he returned in 2002 he was old. Between his age, the lack of true fight preparation, and the toll the WWF schedule had taken on him, he was clearly not the same fighter. Also, the sport of MMA had changed, and gone through a period where there were more skilled wrestlers and martial artists in the ring than untrained bar fighters. I saw Ken Shamrocks return to UFC, to fight Tito Ortiz. He got his ass handed to him, but the rivalry did more than TRIPLE the average PPV buyrate around that time. Hell, I wouldnt have watched it otherwise.

Still dont believe me? In 2005, when UFC needed someone to headline its first ever cable television event, what was the main event? Ken Shamrock vs. Rich Franklin. Granted Shamrock got beaten again, but it drew huge ratings and mainstream intrest. Ever since then the company has been a staple in the programming on Spike TV.

In 2006, the Shamrock-Ortiz rivalry drew huge on television, when they were the coaches on the Ultimate Fighter. Shamrock lost two fights to Ortiz that year, but that rivalry cemented UFC as a staple in sports and mainstream entertainment.

Now EliteXC is banking its network television hopes on the draw of Shamrock vs. overhyped street fighter Kimbo Slice. Slice has victories against over-the-hill fighters, notably Tank Abbott. And is the face of EliteXC, a company that is losing money badly, especially since their first TV bout got poor reviews. The emergence of Affliction as the primary competitor to UFC has left EliteXC as the number three MMA promotion (Similar to WWF, WCW and ECW during the late 90's golden age of pro wrestling), scrounging to pull together a decent card with the leftovers of the sport. Shamrock hasnt won a fight in ages, Elite is fine with that, because they want a fight that their franchise player Kimbo Slice can win. Kimbo is the main draw thanks to the youtube ghetto fights and hype as a legit badass. Its to the advantage of the company to pad Kimbo's stats with meaningless wins over has-beens.

Dont get me wrong, his is a good story. Guy is broke and homeless so he fights people for money. Now hes a celebrity, and a pop culture phenomenon. However, he is nowhere skilled enough to hang in Affliction or UFC. Put it this way: Fedor, Chuck Lidell, Rampage Jackson, Frank Mir, Brock Lesnar, Randy Coture and Matt Hughes could all go to any ghetto and beat the shit out of the biggest guy there. It proves nothing because they have the skillset. Thats why I dont see anything special in Kimbo other than his charisma, his interesting background and marketability. In Vince McMahonland he could sustain that magic and not be exposed as a guy who cant fight in MMA. A part of me hopes that Shamrock taps him out, and gets to retire with some dignity.

I just hope when the two touch gloves before the fight on Saturday, that Kimbo thanks Ken Shamrock--for drawing viewers, and being the reason Kimbo is making so much money to do this.